Myself & Strangers

When I started writing this blog I did it because I felt that there were a lot of things that had been on my mind that I needed to get out. It had been almost a year since Brennis had his heart attack and all of these thoughts had been in my head rolling around for so long they just had to come out. I chose a blog because it was efficient and because I could then share my thoughts with others. I felt that I had something to say that might mean something to somenone else.

What I didn’t even consider when I started is that I was telling not just my story but Brennis’ story (and the story of a lot of other people who lived with us through it) as well. After I had posted a few blogs it dawned on me that I had never asked Brennis whether he minded me writing about his experience last year. I had honestly never thought about the ramifications of writing about such a personal experience. I was just purging my emotions.

When it finally dawned on me to ask Brennis he was gracious and said he didn’t mind. It was the first time I had become aware that people would be reacting to what I was writing. Suddenly I was overcome with the feeling that I would have to be careful about what I said in this blog because it was public and because it was about Brennis and other people I know. Then people started making comments on the blog and I started to be conscious of what I was writing in the context of some of the comments. I found it frustrating and stifling and I didn’t let it interfere for long.

Gertrude Stein once said that she wrote for “myself and strangers”. I never really understood what that meant until I started writing this. Writing for me comes from somewhere outside of my consciousness. I don’t really “think” when I’m writing as much as “process”. Sometimes it feels to me that the worlds come from my fingertips right to the computer screen. The only time I really stop to think is if I get stuck on a spelling or phrasing. Otherwise the words generally just come “out of me”.

When I began worrying about Brennis and when people started commenting about my blog I suddenly became acutely aware of what I was writing and I began to think too much. What I think Gertrude Stein meant when she said she wrote for herself and strangers is that you are essentially writing for yourself as a creative act and that your audience must remain “strangers” in your mind or else you risk writing something specifically for a particular “audience”. I didn’t want to feel like I was editing myself because someone might be offended or not like what I was saying. I wanted to continue the process of writing from my consciousness as much as I was able.

So I am writing this with my fingertips…not with my brain. I wonder how much of our lives would be better lived if we didn’t use our brains so much. Sure we have to know not to touch something hot because it might burn us….but haven’t we really become so afraid of everything that we stop inviting our spirits along on the journey with us? We get so involved in the tiny details of our lives that we often forget that we are living in a miracle. If you are nourished and sheltered you have enough. The million things that you have to do today to perpetuate the million things you told yourself you needed yesterday is all just extra stuff. Extra stuff is good but you don’t need it at the expense of living your life.

Maybe we should start LIVING for ourselves and strangers. I know it sounds selfish but I don’t believe it is. If I am more honest with myself about what I want I am presenting the real me and the real me is the person I want people to know. The real me is pretty amazing and has a lot to offer others. The real me has more time to be loving and caring and giving because he isn’t so busy pretending to be someone he’s not. Pretending can be exhausting and never gets us anywhere. Trying to get people to like us (or at the very least not HATE us) takes a lot of effort. If they don’t like us, so what? Are we going to run out of people? It’s doubtful.

So I will continue to write with my fingertips….sometimes my brain will try to take over but I won’t let it. If you don’t like something I say let me know. You’ve read this far and I’d like to know the real you too.

Confetti Salad

Confetti Salad

This is something I make with different dressings depending on my mood. Of course it would taste good with any number of over the counter dressings but since I'm trying to use mostly whole foods and watch my fat/sodium I've made my own here. This would also taste good with a bit of red onion or peppers thrown in but I just didn't feel like it today....feel free to play!


Salad:
1 can no-sodium corn
1 can pinto beans
1 can black beans
1 1/2 Cups Edamame
1 1/2 Cups cooked and cooled brown rice

Dressing
1/4 Cup Ketchup (check the ingredients....it only needs to have tomato puree, sugar, vinegar and spices.....try organic if you can find it)
2 Tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar
2 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar
1 Clove Garlic
1/4 Cup Minced Onion
1/2 tsp Paprika
Black Pepper (to taste)
1/2 tsp soy sauce or tamari
2 Tbsp Apple Sauce or Apple Juice

Mix the salad dressing in a blender until the onion and garlic have been liquified. Chill for an hour.

Meanwhile, mix the salad ingredients and after the dressing is chilled pour dressing over the salad. The flavors will marry the longer it sits so enjoy it all day long!

Life On Purpose

Sometimes I think too much. Actually, most of the time I think too much. I remember when I was a child I would worry that at some point all of the possible melodies would be used up and there would be no more new songs. I don’t know if that’s mathematically possible and as I get older it becomes less and less relevant since I’ve come nowhere near hearing even a billionth of the songs that have already been written but it was one of the many things I thought about every day when I was growing up.

I still think too much. I like to know what to expect in any situation I am entering. If I can’t “know” what to expect I try to visualize it. I spend hours each day imagining what might happen tomorrow, what might happen when I get to work, what might happen during a doctor’s appointment. It really is maddening but I like so many other things about my brain that I’ve just decided to live with this quirk.

When Brennis had his heart attack I had to stop thinking and just let things happen. I couldn’t imagine what was going to happen, I couldn’t even hazard a guess. I just sat next to him and allowed this new world to unfold before me. It was pretty liberating actually and I learned a lot about being able to do that. There are a lot of things in this world that we have control over and a much larger number of things that we do not. I was in a place where I had no control over anything and honestly I felt as safe as I had ever felt before.

When they first admitted Brennis on Saturday they told us they were going to do some tests on Monday to determine what caused his symptoms. Shortly after this they came back with the final results of the blood work and EKG and told us that Brennis had indeed had a heart attack and that they would be doing a heart cath on Monday instead to see what the next step would be. We knew that they would either do stents to open the arteries if the blockages were minor or do open heart surgery if the blockages were more severe or if there were several blockages.

I had a sense almost immediately that Brennis was going to have open heart surgery. I don’t know if it was my own mind trying to prepare me for the worst or if it was some power greater than me giving me a glimpse of the future….but it’s what I knew and I prepared myself for that.

From that moment on I felt like I knew exactly what was happening as it was happening. I didn’t need to know it before it happened. I knew it while it was happening. I learned later that this is what is known as “living in the moment”. For the first time in my life I was experiencing my life while it was happening. I wasn’t living through one event while I was worrying about or planning an upcoming event. I was living the event I was actually a part of. Unfortunately, this was a new concept for me.

If you have ever experienced it you know that it is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I was able to experience this feeling throughout Brennis’ stay in the hospital and for a short time after he was released but slowly the feeling left me as the daily routine of living crept back into my reality. In addition to the regular day to day stresses of work, cleaning, family, etc. we had now added Dr.’s appointments, wound care, blood pressure checks and nurses visits to our “to do” list. It was easy for me to start thinking and worrying and visualizing the future again. This time, however, I knew that I didn’t have to. I was conscious of the fact that no matter what I worried about or visualized the future was going to unfold the way it was going to unfold. I could still plan what I wanted to do but once planned I needed only to experience it. Isn’t that afterall the reason we plan things?

Regaining control of my moments is a struggle. I have to check myself quite often and bring myself back into the moment. It really is as simple as reminding yourself to do it. Stop worrying. You are here. You are doing this thing you wanted to do…..the thing that you were looking forward to doing…..experience it. Live it.

I find now that if I am in that state,experiencing my life while I’m living it, that my life opens up for me in amazing new ways. Try it now. Stop and listen to the sounds around you, feel the pressure of your chair against your back, experience the aroma of the room you are in. You may have missed these things before but they were always there. Without having to think about it they will move you in the direction you are meant to go. Move forward now…..with purpose. Your life is waiting…..but it won’t wait forever.

Low Fat Banana Strawberry Bread

Low Fat Banana Strawberry Bread

I love sweets so it's just natural that my first recipe would be for something sweet. I tend to make quick breads a lot. I can easily incorporate whole wheat flour and make substitutions without it changing the taste or texture of the bread too much. You'll find I use mostly whole, natural foods in my recipes. I try not to use white sugar much but with this recipe I made an exception because it just tasted better. So while by no means health food this bread will satisfy your sweet tooth without a lot of guilt.

1 Cup Unbleached All Purpose Flour
1/2 Cup Whole Wheat Flour
3/4 Cup White Sugar
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Cinnamon
2 Egg Whites
3 Ripe Bananas, Mashed
1/4 Cup Applesauce
1 Cup chopped Strawberries (I leave them pretty chunky.....cut small strawberries in half and larger strawberries in quarters.)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Lightly grease a 4" x 8" loaf pan.

Combine Flours, Sugar, Baking Powder, Baking Soda & Cinnamon in a larg bowl
In a small bowl combine the lightly beat egg whites. Combine mashed banana, strawberries and applesauce and add egg whites and fruit mixture to dry ingredients until well incorporated.

Pour batter into pan and bake for 55 to 60 minutes. Let the bread rest in the pan for 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

You'll find the texture of this quick bread is different because of using the egg whites but it's delicious and the taste of fruit is very refreshing!

Open Doors

There are a lot of things about that Saturday that I remember very clearly. Most of them small details. I remember that for some reason when we went to the emergency room I was fixated on finding the best parking spot closest to the entrance and drove back and forth twice trying to find the best place. I’m not sure why I had this fixation though looking back I think I must have known that if and when I stopped the car the real “ride” was going to begin.

Apparently, when you are having a heart attack you become impatient with people fixated with trying to find the perfect parking spot because after about 45 seconds of my wandering Brennis yelled, “Stop the car”. I did. Brennis got out and I parked the car in the nearest space and followed him.

The other thing I remember very clearly is that when we walked through the door to the emergency room there was nobody there but the nurse doing intakes. Mind you, this was 10:00 on a Saturday morning. Any other day at any other time this emergency room is filled with people. Dozens and dozens of people with pained faces, swollen kneecaps, bleeding foreheads, you name it. This morning….nothing. Just the nurse.

Now I understand that even if the room had been full, Brennis would have gotten right in to see the doctor since he was experiencing heart attack symptoms but we didn’t have to wait even one second to get his assessment. I realized even then that there was something eerily scripted about that particular detail. It was as if we were living in somebody’s story of what happened and all of the messy details had been cleaned up.

There were many moments like that during the time when Brennis was in the hospital. Small details that were similar to the feeling of deja vu (but not quite). It felt to me like the universe (or God or whatever you want to call it) was trying to say to me….”It’s okay. This is supposed to happen like this”.

It was probably this thing that gave me the most peace throughout the next week and afterward. Brennis was extremely calm throughout his time in the emergency room but occasionally would apologize to me or ask me “what if……(I’m having a heart attack; my blood pressure doesn’t go down; I have to have surgery). I knew he wanted me to say, “It’s going to be alright.” but I couldn’t. I didn’t know that. All I knew was that this was supposed to happen like this. I would look at him and say “If that happens then we will deal with it and move on”. It wasn’t the cliche he was looking for but it seemed to calm him. Turns out he was feeling the same thing I was feeling….but his reality was much more acute than mine and he was allowing fear to close his mind to it occasionally.

What I have discovered since this happened is that I get that feeling a lot….almost every day. It’s that feeling that everything is very familiar and safe….that your body is planted in space exactly where it feels right. I don’t think I am feeling these things because I went through this experience last year. I believe, however, that I am more open to knowing that feeling because of it. Because I know it is possible I allow myself to experience it. Otherwise it’s simply a moment.

When I was in college I wrote a poem that just popped into my head as I am writing this:

All of them go treading about
in their beliefs
like rainwalkers
dodging mud
avoiding the spash of passing cars at bus stops
folding newspaper hats
with spoiled faces
damning weather

I sit here behind my drapes
unfolding my umbrella
knowing not that rain is falling now
but that it has
and that it will again.

That’s how I spent a lot of my life….sitting behind my drapes assuming the worst was out there. It really wasn’t helping me be or do anything. Since I’ve opened the door I feel more at home with myself…more comfortable and even though i know that sometimes it does rain at least my door is open. And sometimes the rain isn’t so bad…..and when the rain goes away, thankfully, now I know.

My Favorite Hummus

My Favorite Hummus

One blog I look at almost every day for amazing vegan recipes is Susan Voisin's "Fat Free Vegan Kitchen". There I have found countless low or no fat vegan recipes that are simple, delicious and that don't require a trip to several different stores for ingredients. She uses a simple, honest approach to cooking healthy delicious food and if it had not been for her I might not have been able to figure out how to cook great tasting vegan food.

This is just one of her delicious hummus recipes. I make this about once a week and use it as a dip, a sandwich spread, a sauce.....in other words I use it a lot. Sometimes I will add a few roasted red peppers or play around with different spices but this basic recipe is fantastic. I actually have never made it in a blender but I imagine it makes a much smoother hummus....

Check out her recipe here: Hummus In The Blender

And while you're there check out her entire blog and all of her terriffic recipes!

Smoke Gets In Your Heart

Invariably, when I used to smoke, somebody would come up to me while I was having a cigarette and say something like, “You know those things are going to kill you.” I was never sure what they were trying to accomplish with that statement. Did they think that perhaps I had been unconscious for the last thirty years and wasn’t aware of the dangers of cigarettes? Or were they just smug, self-righteous people who felt the need to verbalize their superiority over others. Well…as I found out recently they are neither. They actually cared about me. How do I know this? I know this because I have donzens of times almost walked up to a perfect stranger who I see smoking and say to them “You know those things are going to kill you.” I haven’t done it yet because the memory of my own reaction is still fresh but I can’t promise I never will.

When I see someone smoking now it hurts me. I know how (relatively) easy it was to quit (relative to quitting drinking water, I guess) and how absolutely wonderful I feel not smoking. I care about them. I want them to have what I have. I want to shake them and say inappropriate, smug, self-righteous things to them. When did I become THAT person?

Brennis had his heart attack at work one Saturday morning. For the preceding ten days he had had some intermittent pains in his back which were concerning me a bit, mostly because his reaction to them was different from anything he had had before. He had been working out in the yard for the few weeks prior, however, and we assumed it was just routine back pain and it would go away. We were very wrong. That Saturday morning we had arrived at the gallery an hour early as usual and instead of sitting at his desk working on his computer he was running around like a child with A.D.D. flitting from one project to the next, organizing the “screw and nail box” (which we actually now call the “heart attack box”) sweeping, cleaning off tables…..anything but painting the ceiling. I asked him what was the matter (we had been having a small argument before work and I thought he was still angry at me….because, of course, everything in the universe revolves around me). He said he was having those pains again. I was worried but I waited for him to tell me what he needed. He continued to focus on the “heart attack box”.

About ten minutes later, he came back to my office. “I think I need to go to the emergency room”, he said. Without hesitation we gathered our things, told some people we were leaving and left the gallery and started walking toward the car. “It’s getting better,” Brennis said. We stood at the car leaning against it. He didn’t know what to do. “It’s better,” he said and he walked back to the gallery. I followed.

When we got back into the gallery I looked at Brennis and asked “Why aren’t we going to the emergency room?”

“Because it’s expensive”, he replied.

“Well then, we’re going,” I said and we walked back outside toward the car. (We had no insurance so the expensive part was a very real consideration but not worth thinking about in our current circumstance). On the way to the car Brennis lit a cigarette. I was tempted to yell at him and tell him to put it out but I figured you probably don’t chastise people having heart attacks so I got into the car, started it and lit a cigarette.

Halfway to the hospital (ten minutes away) Brennis lit another…..and his last……cigarette.

I quit smoking the day before Brennis came home from the hospital.

I have learned a lot about health and heart disease and cancer and diet since that day that Brennis quit smoking (a more positive spin on naming that day than “the day Brennis had his heart attack”). I have also experienced very real and powerful benefits to living a more healthful life. I resist, however, being that person who wants to force my experience on other people. I always remember the people who felt that they had to remind me that smoking was bad for me. That’s not who I want to be, though I totally understand now why that person acts the way that they do.

I also don’t have any answers. I know what is working for me to make ME feel better. I have no idea what would work for someone else’s life. So instead, I will let you in on some things that I have done to make myself feel better. I have no intentions of living to be 100. I just want to feel good and respect another of the gifts that I have been given….my body and (so far) my health. I will occasionally share some recipes and ideas that I have found helpful in my journey. I won’t tell you that what I am doing is the best thing for everyone. Just that it works for me at this moment.

What happened to Brennis and me was placed in our laps, not yours….but if you have followed me this far you must have found something in it that is speaking to you.

Then again, maybe nobody is reading this and I’m alright with that too. I know that not writing it would be bad for my health.