Walnut Carob Cookies

Walnut Carob Cookies

A few weeks ago at the local health food store I bought a bag of carob powder. I'm not exactly sure why I did but I did. Chocolate is one of my eating triggers. It's probably my worst. If I eat one candy bar I will generally end up eating several candy bars. I hate it but it's true. So I try to stay away and don't even start. I thought that carob might be different.....but I was having a hard time finding recipes using carob that were also vegan. Then I happened across this recipe and it was perfect! SO easy to make and absolutely delicious these rich, sweet "cookies" (actually a mix of a "no bake" and fudge) will satisfy your chocolate craving without the chocolate. I'm sure you could substitute cocoa powder in this recipe if that's what you have available.

click here for the recipe!

Oh yes and it's flourless so it's also a terriffic recipe for my gluten free friends!

Sweet dreams....

Flashback

Today a friend of mine went in to the hospital for a heart cath.  He told me about it a few days ago and I've been worried for him since.  I'm not one of those people who say "I'm sure everything will be alright" because obviously I'm not sure.  I certainly hope that everything is going to be alright but that doesn't sound powerful enough to tell my friend to make him feel better.  Then I remember....I don't have to make him feel better.  I can't make him feel better.  The only thing I can do is to let him know I'll be there for him if he needs me.  That comfort I can promise.  Anything else would just be words.

My memory of Brennis' heart cath is still so clear to me that when I think of it sometimes it feels like I'm still there. This was the test that was going to tell us what was wrong.  This was the test that was going to tell us what happens next.  Needless to say we were all on the edge of our seats.  He went in on that Monday afternoon.  We really had no idea what was going to happen.  Once again, before his procedure, Brennis looked at me and I was confronted with my desire to make him feel better by saying "Everything is going to be alright".  I didn't.  I couldn't.  I think both of us knew where this path was headed but we didn't want to say that either.  "What if.....?" he would say.  "Well, then we'll deal with that if it happens" I would reply.

So he went in.  I was in the waiting room with Brennis' mother and a dear friend.  Even though I felt like I knew what the outcome was going to be I was still hopeful that this drama would be over that day. I was hoping that it was something they could fix while they were in there.  I was hoping he could come home the next day. Then the doctor appeared.

When they tell you that a procedure will last a certain amount of time and the doctor comes out significantly earlier than you thought they would it's not a good sign.

"He's going to have to have open heart surgery." he said.

I nodded and the doctor explained the number of blockages, where they were, when they would schedule the surgery, who was going to do the surgery, etc.  I wanted him to leave so I could cry.

When he did, I did.

I got on the phone to call my mother and I broke down.  I sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn't talk.  I told her what I needed to say and I hung up the phone.  I was beside myself with despair.  I looked at Brennis' mother and knew I couldn't be strong for her.  I was a wreck.  My friend sat down next to me and put her hand on my back.  "Brennis is going to be coming out soon and he won't want to see you like this", she said. 

She was right.  He wouldn't.  I had to pull my act together and  quickly.

After a few minutes I had regained my composure and Brennis was wheeled through the lobby toward his new room in the Coronary Care Unit.  The three of us walked up to his bed with somber smiles.  "Well, I've gotten myself into one hell of a pickle" Brennis said.  We laughed nervously.  We comforted him and he comforted us and they took him to his new room.  That was that.  This is where we were and it was okay.

I think about that particularly today with my friend going in for his heart cath.  I worry that they will be faced with the bad news that we were faced with.  I hope that they don't have to experience that.....I don't ever again want anyone to have to go through that.  That's part of the reason I write this blog.  These are people that I love and I want to take this day away for them.  I want to make it be over for them. 

"Knowing is always better than not knowing", is something I'm fond of saying.  At times I try to think of instances where that might not be true but I still haven't thought of one.  Knowing is always better than not knowing.  Just because we might not want to know the answer we are always better off knowing it so we can move forward.  The more we ignore the answer the worse things get.  As long as we know the answer we can deal with it and move on.

Fortunately, as I write this, I have learned that my friend's issue was resolved with a simple procedure during the cath and no surgery will be necessary.  That makes me happy.  Knowing is better than not knowing. 

So we all move on from this moment knowing what we know and we deal with the world better because we have gained knowledge from the past.  These collective lessons guide us through our lives as we continue to gain even more knowledge and hopefully become closer to the people we want to be.  Being alive carries with it great responsibility and we must be careful not to forget that.  I had a responsibility to my friend to share my lessons with him by the way I spoke with him when he called me last week.  I didn't tell him everything was going to be alright.  I told him I loved him and I gave him the opportunity to tell me he loved me. I told him I would be there for him if he needed anything and he told me he was scared.  After that...no matter what the outcome was, we knew we had said what we needed to say.  That was a gift.

Tonight, now knowing that he will be okay....that is another gift. Tonight I will be thankful for my gifts.

Black Eyed Pea Relish

Black Eyed Pea Relish

I used to make something called "Cowboy Caviar" which was essentially, Red Onion, Peppers, Jalapeno, Black Eyed Peas and a bottle of Italian Salad Dressing. It was delicious but the oil and added sodium from the dressing are now things that we try to avoid.

I got this recipe from my friend Connie who has mastered the art of cooking no-fat vegan dishes for friends of ours who follow the Esselstyn diet. This was a huge hit in our house and we didn't even miss the oil or sodium with the flavorful Rice Wine Vinegar making up for both. I used garlic flavored Rice Wine Vinegar but if you use a different flavor you will want to add a couple cloves of chopped garlic to the vegetables.

Happy Trails!

1/2 Cup Garlic Flavored Rice Wine Vinegar
1 Green Pepper. Chopped
2 Yellow Peppers, Chopped
1 Red Pepper, Chopped
2 Jalapeno Peppers, Chopped
1/2 Red Onion Diced
2 15 Ounce cans of Black Eyed Peas, drained and rinsed
4 Roma Tomatoes, Chopped

Dice all of the vegetables and add them to the rinsed black eyed peas in a large bowl. Add the flavored Rice 'Wine Vinegar and mix thoroughly. This gets better the longer that it sits so be patient! I served mine with home made corn tortillas but they make a great side dish for any meal

Cherry Berry Forbidden Rice Pudding

Cherry Berry Forbidden Rice Pudding

I saw this recipe on one of my favorite blogs "Healthy Girl's Kitchen" and I had to try it. I love rice pudding and I love berries so I imagined it would be a good choice. I was so right.

This is one of those recipes that call for a few things you may not have on hand but it's also a great introduction to some fun new ingredients without a lot of fuss.

Chia seeds are not difficult to find. They are available in the healthy section of most major grocery stores or you can buy just enough for this recipe from the bulk bins at your local health food store. You can read about the benefits of chia seeds here. Here they are used as a thickener/binder and also add their own unique texture to the pudding.


The black rice might be more difficult to find. I was able to find it at my local Giant Eagle and, as luck would have it, they were discontinuing that particular brand and had it at 50% off. It's a bit pricy but for a special occasion this can't be beat. I would like to try this recipe using brown rice and see how it compares. I will say the black rice holds up to the second cooking very well and I imagine the brown might fall apart. If I give that a try I'll update!

Dates are easy to find but you may not have ever cooked with them before. Here they act as a sweetener (I didn't need to use any additional sweetener for my pudding) and they have a wonderful naturally sweet taste which is a perfect combination with the berries.

Check out the recipes here at Healthy Girl's Kitchen
For my version (pictured above) I used frozen cherries and fresh strawberries and blueberries. Play with the types of berries as long as you keep the ratios about the same.

Happy Pudding!

Rewind

If you thought that the last post was the end of the story....well....so did I.  Turns out, it wasn't.  Just because the really hard part was over didn't mean that all was going to be easy.  We still faced a long and difficult recovery, our return to work and trying to figure out just what we were going to do about the hospital bills (they are gracious not to mail $75,000 in medical bills to you directly after you get home from open heart surgery but we knew they were probably sitting on somebody's desk with stamps on them).   Oh yes....and we had to do this while trying to quit smoking which only added a very surreal air to the whole experience...somewhat like trying to swim with a fish bowl on your head. 

We were blessed to have a group of people volunteer to bring healthy meals to the house every night so I didn't have to worry about shopping or spending time in the kitchen and could spend more time taking care of Brennis.  That was amazing and so helpful.  Every day somebody would call or text and let me know when they were coming and they usually got to visit with Brennis for a few minutes and we got some wonderful healthy food. Brennis' appetite still wasn't great but it was helpful to have something available when he was feeling hungry. 

We settled into our new life fairly well.  Brennis' complications were few and minor.  The visiting nurse was sweet and informative and we soon no longer even required her services.  Brennis was taking baby steps toward a full recovery and I was thinking about returning to work a few hours a day to relieve the artists who had been taking care of things while we had been gone.  While I'm certain that things seemed to be moving too slowly for Brennis they were moving far too quickly for me.  I wanted to stop and spend all of my time with Brennis.  I wanted him to get better but I was enjoying the time with him.  We hadn't had the chance to just sit and relax like this for years and it felt nice. 

Brennis and I met in 1986 but didn't really get together as a couple until 1991 after I graduated from college.  When we first moved in together I opened one of his drawers and it was filled with unopened bills.  Several months of unopened bills.  I asked him what they were there for.  He was working three jobs at the time so I knew he had enough money to pay them.  "I just pay those when I think about it," he said.  I opened the envelopes, got out his checkbook and the mothering began.

It's not that Brennis needed another mother.  The mother he has is perfectly wonderful and he certainly was capable of doing anything and everything he would ever desire.  This was totally my bag......my desire to take care of him and make his life better.  It's how I am wired.  I like to make things better.  Because I loved Brennis I wanted to do that for him especially.  I wasn't always successful.....often in my attempt to make things better I make them worse or, at the very least, more complicated.  The important thing is that I try.  At least that's what I think.

Those first few years together felt a lot like what we were going through during his recovery.  We spent a lot of time together, just sitting and talking.  We hadn't yet established the weird patterns couples usually establish after they've been together for a thousand years. We just enjoyed each other's company and spent any free time we had together.  Sitting next to him in our den now twenty years later felt good.  It felt like nothing had ever changed.  Any of the conflicts, dramas and heartaches had been washed away.  We were starting fresh. 

I am the type of person who likes people....just not a lot of people and not all the time.  If it hadn't been for Brennis I likely would have ended up living in a studio apartment eating beans out of the can with a plastic spoon for the rest of my life.  I would have had friends and I would have been social but I was shy and insecure and didn't really need to have people around me all of the time.  Brennis made me feel good about myself and he loved to be around people.  I began to love it too.  Many times during the past twenty years I have looked up while Brennis was walking through the house and thought quietly to myself "How have I managed to stand living with someone for all these years and how has he been able to stand living with me?"  I am a perfectly nice person but I am a mess.  I am moody, compulsive, sometimes clean, sometimes messy always unpredictable.  We just fit together naturally, Brennis and I.  Living with him was just like living alone....except he was there and we loved each other and laughed a lot.   

Now it felt like life was starting over again.  Going through what we went through made me realize how much I really loved Brennis.  Almost losing him and almost losing the life that we created together frightened me more that I would have ever imagined.  While I didn't want his recovery to take forever I wanted this feeling to last forever.  I knew it couldn't but I also now knew that it was in my power to make it a part of my life....it was my choice. 

We all have the power to feel that connection with people we love.  We all have the ability to spend more quiet time with people we care about.  We are all able to tell the people in our lives how much we appreciate them. Why don't was take advantage of these opportunities more than we do?  Life is complicated and relationships are beyond complicated.  There are as many reasons for us not doing these things are there are people in the world. 

Stripping away all of the unnecessary baggage from our lives....from our relationships....is a great place to start.  Relationships (whether they are familial, friendly or romantic) get "dusty" over time and it's hard to see them as clearly as we used to.  Clear off the dust.  Forget about old hurts, irritating habits, petty fears.  If your relationship with this person is worth anything it is worth valuing it enough to spend time on it.  There is no secret.  You just do it. 

The one thing I said to people over and over again while we were going through the experience last year:  Don't miss an opportunity to tell the people you love that you love them.  I would like to amend that now.  Don't miss an opportunity to sit next to your friend and laugh with them.  Don't miss an opportunity to snuggle with your significant other.  Don't let another day go by wondering if you should call your mother (or father or niece or sister).  These may seem like small gestures but they are not.  They are the manifestation of love and that energy is powerful.  Try to be conscious of the people around you and make the decision to share this energy with them.  If you're lucky, twenty years from now you'll still be there for each other. 

Roasted Beets With Beet Greens

Roasted Beets With Beet Greens

Today was the first day of our local farmer's market. I missed most of last year's market because Brennis was at home recovering from his surgery and two years ago I wouldn't have known a beet from a turnip so I just never went. So...this year I've decided to make up for lost time.

Yesterday I opened up an old can of beets and added it to my Confetti Salad for a change. I had forgotten how much I loved beets but I wasn't crazy about the added salt in the canned version. So I got two bunches of beets this morning at the farmer's market, googled some recipes and made this tonight. It was a huge success. The beet greens are kind of "earthy" tasting at first but have a really nice rich taste....very similar to Swiss chard. They make a beautiful colorful presentation with the bright red roasted beets. Something totally different for me and I'll revisit this recipe again and again.

2 bunches beets with greens
1 small onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
Freshly ground black pepper
2 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar

Remove the beets from their stems, cut the tips off (if necessary) and clean thoroughly. I had about 8 medium sized beets. You can drizzle the beets with a little bit of olive oil but I didn't. Wrap the cleaned beets in an aluminum foil packet and seal tightly. Roast the beets in the sealed packed at 350 degrees until a knife goes easily into the largest beet. This took about an hour an fifteen minutes for me but check after 45 minutes to one hour since so much depends on your oven and the beets themselves.

While the beets are roasting remove the green beet leaves from the stems and clean them thoroughly. Chop the beet greens roughly. You will have a large amount of greens but like most greens these will cook down considerably.

In a medium saute pan heat olive oil over medium heat. Saute an onion in the oil for about two minutes and then add the garlic. Saute the garlic for two more minutes and add the cleaned and chopped beet greens. Stir the greens to heat them through and then cook, stirring occasionally, until done (about 5 minutes). Turn off the heat and add fresh black pepper and red wine vinegar and stir.

When the beets are done allow them to cool enough so that you can peel them. The peels come off easily when they are roasted. Chop the peeled beets and mix into the cooked beet greens. Add only as many beets as you want to the greens. Two or three are more than enough and save the remaining beets for another dish!

These would also be great with some slivered almonds added for a little crunch!

Eat and enjoy!

Note: Since this was my first time cooking beet greens I played it safe and used olive oil. You could easily saute everything using water and/or vegetable broth and make this fat free.

Freedom

And then it was over.....

Anyone who has ever been in the hospital will tell you that no matter how good or bad your care was while you are there....when it is time to leave they generally don't waste any time getting you out.  The same is true when they cut a hole in your chest.  When you poop on your own....you're going home.  Take your balloons and your flowers and get out.  We need the bed for someone who's really sick.

So when that time came for Brennis it was very fast.  The nurse came in and gave us our discharge instructions, told us that we would have a visiting nurse at the house a few times a week and a couple of the nurses came in to say a quick good-bye before they ran off to attend to other patients.  These nurses, orderlies, cleaning people.....all of the people we had come to know as our family over the previous ten days were and are remarkable people.  They treat you like you are their own family while you are  in their care but they know that their attention must be on the people who need them the most.  When it is time for you to go they don't get sentimental. 

So we left.  The transport aide wheeled Brennis down the hallway, to the elevator and then to the curb where I had the car waiting.  I helped Brennis into the car and we were on our own.  No monitors, no nurses, no orderlies, no cleaning people....just us.  We broke down.  I honestly have not experienced such a huge wave of emotion in my entire life.  I don't know if it was the relief of being allowed to leave, the fact that Brennis and I were alone together for the first time in what seemed like months, sheer exhaustion or a combination of all three but we both sobbed and sobbed as I drove out of the hospital parking lot and to our home.

There was no fanfare, just us driving and crying....going home. 

I had prepared the house for Brennis two days before...cleaning, bleaching, scouring every surface; bringing his bed down to the first floor, renting an automatic recliner from the local rent to own store, making sure there were plenty of videos for him to watch and plenty of healthy food for him to eat. We were prepared for our summer of "camping in".  It felt so good to have him home.  The house once again seemed filled with life. 

We settled in and I tried my best to make him comfortable as we attempted to figure out this new way of living.  Brennis could get up and get around but he still was considerably limited in energy and was restricted from any strenuous physical activity including lifting.  I sat next to him and we were quiet.  I think we probably fell asleep right away.  It felt good to be home with him. 

Brennis and I had been through so much over the previous ten days that it was amazing to think that the experience was over.  It was also, we suddenly realized, very frightening.  At the hospital there was always someone right there if something went wrong.  If you had a question you rang a bell and someone came right away.  Here it was just us.  If anything happened we were on our own.  If we ever stopped to think about it the fear was paralyzing.

Much of life is like that.  The more freedom you allow yourself the more frightening life becomes.  It was like that when we started the gallery.  We were tired of working for other people so we started our own business but that freedom only brought a different set of rules and responsibilities.  Freedom is scary.  It's the reason most of us don't take advantage of it.  It's so much easier to be safe, comfortable and protected than to go out on a limb and take a chance. 

Unfortunately, we couldn't stay in the safety of the hospital for the rest of our lives.  Not only would it be extraordinarily expensive but it would be silly.  We didn't need them any more.  If we had needed them they wouldn't have let Brennis leave. 

When my father had had open heart surgery fifteen years before I was living in South Carolina and had come home for the surgery and stayed for a few days after to be with my family and monitor his recovery until he came home.  I remember the day I left I was so thankful that I didn't have to go through what my mom and dad were going to have to go through.  To me at that point in my life it seemed like something I could never handle.  I was about to find out if that was true.  I had to trust myself and trust that this was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do.  It didn't seem as scary at 45 as it had at 30 but I still wished it never had to happen.  I did, however, feel grateful  that I was able to be that person for Brennis.  My own heart ached thinking of all the people who had nobody to come home to when the hospital let them go.  Despite the stress and the ugliness of what was about to happen I knew that really we were very lucky.

The first part of freedom is the hardest part.  Finding your legs, taking the small tentative steps toward something new....experiencing life as you've never experienced it before.  Then, as you begin to take those first steps away from your old life and toward the new one you begin to realize that you are still you....with the same strength and wisdom and spirit as the person you have always been....you are just free now.  Then you take the first steps into your new life and for the first time you start living.  That, it turns out, is when you are truly free.