I have a friend who is dying. Of course we are all dying but he is now at the point in his life where he knows what is going to take his life. He knows that the place where he now lives is going to be the last place that he lives. He knows there will be no more trips, no more dinners out, no more walks on the beach. He doesn't know when it will be....it could be today, it could be next month or it could be in a year but he knows that his time here on earth is dwindling away. We who love him know it too and it breaks our hearts.
It breaks our hearts because we are going to miss him. We've come to love and admire and respect this man and look forward to his arrival and anticipate his laugh. We have come to rely on his advice and to expect his caring, compassionate nature. Some of us, like me, have only known him for a very short time and others have known him almost their entire lives but no matter how long we have known him we have been touched by him and we are better people for having met him.
Years ago I had the privilege of being with my maternal Grandmother when she died. She was in a nursing home and we were aware that she only had hours left to live. I stayed in the room with my Mother and Aunt as we waited, quietly prayed and eventually witnessed her physical death. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced and I felt so privileged to be able to be with her at that moment. If you have ever been with someone when they have died you will understand what I am talking about. It is a profoundly moving and life-changing experience. It taught me that the body is strong and that it wants to live in spite of what is causing it to fail. It taught me that death is merely a transition and that this monumental event in life....no matter how it happens....is really just as simple as a single breath or a single heartbeat. There is no music....there are no trumpets. It simply stops. There is no more.
To think that my friend will one day no longer be "here" makes me sad. Even though I know and we all know that death is inevitable it still causes us anguish. Even if we have a set of spiritual beliefs that there is a better world waiting for our loved ones on "The Other Side" we are still sad. If there is such a place I know my friend will be there. He has lived his life as he should. He was given a gift, understood his gift and shared his gift with others. That, my friends is our purpose in life and it was what he has spent over eighty years doing for the benefit of countless children, adults, friends, strangers and everyone else who crossed his path either physically or spiritually. He understood his gift and he shared it with others. It wasn't the kind of gift that gets people in the newspapers. It wasn't the kind of gift that reaches tens of millions of people. It was, however, the kind of gift that, when given, spreads outward and touches the lives of people who will never know him or know that he is part of the source for it. It was and is his gift and because he gave it throughout his life it will continue to be given even after he has left us physically.
I know my friend loves me and he knows that I love him. I will be sad when he leaves it is true. I am sad thinking about it right now. What I know, however, is that his passing is merely a reminder for me to use my gift...to honor his legacy by being present and being aware in my life that the gift I was given was given to me for a purpose and that even though I may not completely understand it, it is part of something much greater than myself. When I use my gift I open myself to receive the gifts of others. I have experienced many wonderful things in my life but my life only really started to become what I knew it was supposed to be when I started writing this blog. I understand that this blog will not change the world. I know that these simple words on your computer screen are only my small attempt to connect with you and share some of what I have learned. I also know that being here and sharing this, my gift, with you is what I am supposed to be doing. It is my purpose at this moment. Through it I have been blessed with friendships I would not have had before and I have been given many gifts in return.
One day soon my friend will be gone. I will probably not be with him when he goes but I know he will be surrounded by love when he does. He will take a last breath as we all will and his heart will stop beating. It will be the end of this part of who he is but it will certainly not be the end of him.
One of my fondest memories of my Grandmother was driving with her in her red Corvair through the streets of Lakewood, Ohio when I was growing up. As I sit here writing these words a little red Corvair just passed my front door. I feel her presence and I smile. She is here with me now even though she left me years ago. She is here. She is peaceful and she is thankful that I am using my gift.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Chickpea Salad Sandwich
Chickpea Salad Sandwich
I love sandwiches. Especially for lunch. There's just something very "Ozzy & Harriet" and simple about a sandwich for lunch that really appeals to me. Meatloaf, Ham, Egg Salad, Turkey, Sloppy Joe....they were my favorites when I still ate meat and when I started weaning myself off of meat the trusted sandwich was the last thing to go. I've had tomato sandwiches before and I love them...but I needed to find other options for great tasting, easy to make sandwiches to bring to work for lunch.
I saw a lot of variations on this recipe but I'm not one to fuss over things. I like simple....especially since I don't have a lot of time during the day to spend fussing over a sandwich. This has the taste of ham salad or chicken salad. Of course the texture is a little different but I like the difference.
I used Nayonaise....a vegan mayonaise substitute that tastes a bit like miracle whip though it is less smooth than regular mayonaise. I like the tase and it's got nothing in it that I don't want to put in my body.
Enjoy!
Recipe:
1 Can Chickepas, drained & rinsed
3 Tbsp Nayonaise (or any healthy mayonaise substitute)
1 Tbsp Organic Pickle Relish
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Mash the chickpeas with a potato masher until mashed but still chunky. This is something you can do to your preference. I like it a bit chunky myself!
Mix the chickpeas with the remaining ingredients. This makes enough for four or five sandwiches. Super good, super cheap and super healthy!
I put mine on whole wheat bread with a huge slice of garden tomato and romaine lettuce. That and a big bowl of fruit and lunch is on the table!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Choices
This morning on my Yahoo homepage there was a headline....something like "Air Show Tragedy Caught On Video" with an image of horrified spectators crying and holding each other for comfort. I'll admit that for a second I was tempted to click on the link and watch the video. The voyeur in me wanted to see what happened and try to make sense of the horror of the event. I chose not to for a variety of reasons.
I've been trying to be more conscious of my choices lately. I've not been terribly successful but I've been trying. I have also been trying to re-capture what it felt like to be living in the moment like I was a year and two months ago while Brennis was in the hospital. That is something that will take some time and some practice.
I haven't written on this blog for a long time and there have been many reasons. I've been busy, it's true but I've also had several episodes of "falling off the wagon" where my "diet" is concerned. It's not about being afraid of gaining weight. It's about feeling good. Truthfully I have only gained a pound or two through these episodes of poor eating but my body simply can't take being stuffed with junk anymore and it usually takes me a couple of days to recover from a bad day. There are many reasons that I think this has happened but they're not really important. What it really comes down to is a bad choice (or a series of bad choices over time).
We all make bad choices. We make them every day...maybe every hour. The choices we make and how we feel about those choices are directly tied to how successfully we have made ourselves aware of the fact that we are indeed making a choice. We have come to live our lives on autopilot. We wake up each morning and essentially go through the same routine, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, repeat. A lot of times we aren't even aware that we are making choices or that there are even choices to make. We do some things over and over the same way every time because some time in the past we experienced some pleasure in doing it that way. We don't even allow ourselves to contemplate whether doing it that way continues to bring us pleasure or if doing it another way might bring us more pleasure. We have done it this way for so long that we don't even allow ourselves to think about it.
The truth of the matter is that every moment we are faced with an unimaginable number of choices. At this moment for me, for instance, I could stop writing, delete everything I've already written, make a salad, go to the store, buy a pack of cigarettes, start smoking, mow the lawn, buy a plane ticket to Texas.....anything. I could literally do anything within reason at this moment. I choose to keep writing (actually I surfed the Internet a little in between but for your sake, essentially, I kept writing).
Because I'm thinking about it right now I am currently making conscious choices about my actions. I am right now thinking about the way my fingertips feel on the keyboard, how the heat in the room is enveloping me like a blanket, how the smell of roasting sweet potatoes is making me hungry. Because I am thinking about my choices I am being conscious. Because I am being conscious I am able to be aware of my choices. The further away we are from being conscious of our actions the less we realize we are able to make choices.
This morning when I was faced with the headline on my computer screen I literally had to stop myself from reacting by simply clicking on the link to the story. Because I stopped myself I was able to think about what clicking on the link meant. I realized first of all that watching this event where someone died and their friends were captured on film trying to process the horror of that death was, to me, disrespectful to the people involved. I've watched probably hundreds of things like this over the years (especially since technology has allowed for the sharing of such things so easily) and I certainly don't judge anyone else who chose to watch. I just chose not to this time.
I also realized that every time I click on a link like this I am sending a message to Yahoo (or whoever) that I want to see this. The more I click, the more stories like this I will have the opportunity to see. By not clicking on the story this morning I told them I didn't want to see it. True, millions of people will click on it and my small gesture probably won't make much difference but it was the message I wanted to send and I sent it. I will try to be conscious enough to send the same message the next time.
The same has been true lately of my choices concerning my diet. I have obviously become more aware the last few years about the choices available to me with my diet but occasionally I still make poor choices. Usually one poor choice leads to another poor choice and another and another. It's alright. It's not the end of the world....but it still happened. I've come to realize through these episodes (because generally I am totally conscious while I am making the poor choices) that placing judgement on my choices is only important to me. I have set the standards by which I live my life. My success or failure in making the "right" choice is only important to me. So I have stopped looking at these episodes as "failures" and started looking at them as lessons. Because I was conscious when I made the choice there must be something I am supposed to learn about why I made the choice I made. If this choice takes me further away from the person I want to be why am I making this choice? Am I trying to be someone I'm not or was it just a sign of natural weakness?
I know....I know....This is all a bit much. We simply can't stop and contemplate each choice we make every day and try to learn from it at the same time. I don't think that that's the point. I think what I have come to realize for myself is that my effort to try to return to a level of being conscious and aware in my daily life has become very important to me. Because I know that it is possible and that it is as close to a feeling of "wholeness" as I have ever experienced I feel the need to return to it. Being aware of my choices at every moment is an exersize I use to bring myself back into that consciousness. Whether it's what I eat for lunch, what I choose to read or how I choose to treat a friend it's all about bringing myself to a place where I am aware of my choices and how those choices affect me and the world around me.
So this is the lesson I am learning right now. It will probably be the lesson I will be learning for a long time. There is no schedule. I don't have to be perfect. I simply have to be aware.
Looking back I think of all of the things that I have missed by not allowing myself this gift. I have missed beautiful sights, beautiful sounds and opportunities for lasting friendships. Beyond making the choice for what I am going to have for dinner tonight, being aware allows me to discover the person I want to be and to actively pursue becoming that person. It removes me from the routine of living and thrusts me directly into life face first. With that responsibility means that there will be times when I fail. I welcome that opportunity -- for failure in this instance only means that I have tried and fell short.....not that I have never tried.
So I move forward by being still. I listen and I feel and I think. Now starts now and am ready for it.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Meant To Be
About five years ago Brennis and I lost our sweet, lovable dog Abby to cushing's disease. I will be honest: I don't think I was ever so heartbroken in my entire life. I cried and cried and thought I would never stop. We didn't go to work for two days. I have never felt such an overwhelming sadness for anything or anyone before. I told Brennis I didn't want to get another dog because I couldn't stand to go through that kind of pain again.
The thing about being part of a couple is that sometimes you have to compromise. Soon after Abby died Brennis was on the Dog Pound's website looking at pictures of dogs who looked like Abby or dogs that he thought would fit into our home. I was upset because he wasn't honoring my wish not to have another dog though I understood why he was doing what he was doing. I hoped that it was just a stage in his grieving process.
A few weeks later we got an email from friends of ours who volunteer at the pound and also rescue dogs. Attached was a picture of a cream colored Llaso Apso that bore more than a slight resemblance to our deceased black Shih Tzu, Abby. This scruffy unnamed dog was about to be destroyed by the pound because he had not been placed and because he was "overly agressive". He needed to find a home right away or he was not going to live. I hated being pressured like this, especially after I had tried to make myself clear about how I felt about getting another dog but I agreed to go down to the pound and look at him. I somehow knew that I was going to end up coming home with a dog that day but I still tried to keep an open mind.
When we got to the pound we were taken to the cages where "our" dog was being held. Our friend removed him from the cage and placed him on the ground near us. Without hesitation and with absolutely no indication of aggression this sweet boy jumped up onto us as though he knew we were there to save him. It was one of those moments when you realize that there is a magical element to life that you can never plan for. As the workers at the pound stood open-mouthed and watched as our aggressive dog jumped up onto our knees and kissed our hands we told them that we would be taking our dog home. It was obvious to both Brennis and me that this was meant to be and clearly it was obvious to Chance, our new dog, as well.
Earlier this year when I began my medical tests I tried to find some kind of peace and told myself that whatever the outcome might be it was "meant to be". Of course it's not so easy to really convince yourself of that when you're in the midst of it. I was somewhat numb, somewhat terrified, somewhat resigned to whatever might happen. I vacillated generally between panic and calm most of the time for the six weeks it took to get through all of the testing and the results. I knew that there was nothing I could do at this point to alter the results of the tests so I had to just accept the results as I got them. I was hardly ready for really bad news but I knew after what I went through last year with Brennis I (we) would be able to handle whatever life handed us.
I will spare you the details of the tests since they are not particularly interesting and quite frankly both of the major tests are embarrassing and gross. The first was the colonoscopy which was the one I was particularly worried about since I had had some intestinal problems when I was in my 20's. Thankfully, that test came out perfectly. I had nothing wrong that they could see and there wasn't even any need to take any biopsies. That was a huge relief.
The first test down, I had to wait three weeks for the second test. The prostate biopsy was the worst of all the tests and even the best case scenario meant I had to wait two weeks for the results. I was at the end of my rope emotionally. I had been worried now for weeks and I just wanted to know the answer. I wanted to know what I needed to do to make things better....but all I could do was wait.
So I made it through the test. If you can make it thorough your entire life without ever having a prostate biopsy try to do that. If you have to have one it's not the absolute worst thing in the world but I can think of 74 million things I would rather do. As it turned out my biopsy was on Brennis' birthday. I'm sure he was thrilled to spend his special day in a waiting room waiting for me. (If you can manage to schedule your prostate biopsy on a day other than your spouse's birthday do that too......the presents after that just seem insignificant and petty and nobody's really in the mood for cake).
I don't remember that the two weeks after the biopsy seemed to go particularly fast or slow. I did kind of expect someone to call me and tell me the results early but nobody ever did. I have a particularly annoying habit of trying to read things into the behavior of medical professionals (if they call it means.... If they don't call it means......). It turns out that generally you will find things out when they want to tell you. Not surprisingly, I found out my results in two weeks as they had originally told me.
Brennis went with me for the "results" appointment. He wasn't allowed to go back with me but he wanted to be with me just in case. They called me back at the time of my appointment (a rare thing as you know) and I went back to one of the exam rooms and waited. I waited. And waited. And waited. I think it must have been over twenty minutes that I sat in that room waiting for them to tell me the results of my test. I'm not exactly sure what caused the holdup but during that time I thought about everything that they could tell me about my biopsy. I planned for every possible outcome, my reaction, what I was going to tell Brennis, what I was going to tell my family, everything. I processed the moment that hadn't yet happened over and over again in my mind so much that when the doctor finally entered the room I was fairly calm. She could have told me anything and I would have known what to do. I had readied myself for anything.
The results were negative. They took twelve samples from my prostate and none of them had any signs of cancer. I was numb. In the preceding four months I had had blood work, a chest x-ray, a stress test, a colonoscopy and a prostate biopsy. Nothing was wrong. I couldn't imagine anything else that they could have tested for to find that anything could be wrong. Yes, I was still having the original symptoms that brought me to the doctor in the first place but it was clear to me now that there was nothing serious causing them. There was nothing that was so huge or so scary that it was showing up on any test. I could live with that and it was becoming clear to me now that I was indeed going to live.....and quite possibly for a long time.
That was the moment it happened. That was the moment I knew that everything that I had been through had all happened for a reason. It was meant to be and I knew it. I had to go through all of this to appreciate my life....to really appreciate being alive. I had spent so much of my life assuming that I wasn't going to live to a ripe old age and now.....now it was possible that I might just do that. I think I felt a little bit like Chance felt that day at the pound. I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and going through exactly what I was supposed to be going through for a reason. I wasn't sure what the reason was....I just knew that this moment was supposed to happen so I could find peace....just like Chance was able to find peace when he saw us for the first time. What was to happen next I didn't know. What I did know for certain was that every step I took after this day was going to be with a different purpose. I needed to start living and start honoring the life I had been given. It was no longer enough to just be in my life....I needed to be active in creating my life moment by moment.
Just like Chance leaving the pound that day with his new owners, I left the exam room that day uncertain of what future lay before me. I walked out the door into the waiting room to see Brennis' worried face and I was able to mouth to him, "I'm okay." That was my first moment of being alive again. It felt good. I planned on making a lot more moments like that happen in the future.
As it turns out we don't really need to go through some traumatic life event to figure out that we are alive and need to start acting that way. Once I was let out of my cage I ran and jumped and started loving and playing again. I was free and nobody could stop me ever again....not even myself. I didn't care if I lived a week or another hundred years. If I was going to be alive then I was going to live. There was never any reason not to and I had wasted too much time already.
The thing about being part of a couple is that sometimes you have to compromise. Soon after Abby died Brennis was on the Dog Pound's website looking at pictures of dogs who looked like Abby or dogs that he thought would fit into our home. I was upset because he wasn't honoring my wish not to have another dog though I understood why he was doing what he was doing. I hoped that it was just a stage in his grieving process.
A few weeks later we got an email from friends of ours who volunteer at the pound and also rescue dogs. Attached was a picture of a cream colored Llaso Apso that bore more than a slight resemblance to our deceased black Shih Tzu, Abby. This scruffy unnamed dog was about to be destroyed by the pound because he had not been placed and because he was "overly agressive". He needed to find a home right away or he was not going to live. I hated being pressured like this, especially after I had tried to make myself clear about how I felt about getting another dog but I agreed to go down to the pound and look at him. I somehow knew that I was going to end up coming home with a dog that day but I still tried to keep an open mind.
When we got to the pound we were taken to the cages where "our" dog was being held. Our friend removed him from the cage and placed him on the ground near us. Without hesitation and with absolutely no indication of aggression this sweet boy jumped up onto us as though he knew we were there to save him. It was one of those moments when you realize that there is a magical element to life that you can never plan for. As the workers at the pound stood open-mouthed and watched as our aggressive dog jumped up onto our knees and kissed our hands we told them that we would be taking our dog home. It was obvious to both Brennis and me that this was meant to be and clearly it was obvious to Chance, our new dog, as well.
Earlier this year when I began my medical tests I tried to find some kind of peace and told myself that whatever the outcome might be it was "meant to be". Of course it's not so easy to really convince yourself of that when you're in the midst of it. I was somewhat numb, somewhat terrified, somewhat resigned to whatever might happen. I vacillated generally between panic and calm most of the time for the six weeks it took to get through all of the testing and the results. I knew that there was nothing I could do at this point to alter the results of the tests so I had to just accept the results as I got them. I was hardly ready for really bad news but I knew after what I went through last year with Brennis I (we) would be able to handle whatever life handed us.
I will spare you the details of the tests since they are not particularly interesting and quite frankly both of the major tests are embarrassing and gross. The first was the colonoscopy which was the one I was particularly worried about since I had had some intestinal problems when I was in my 20's. Thankfully, that test came out perfectly. I had nothing wrong that they could see and there wasn't even any need to take any biopsies. That was a huge relief.
The first test down, I had to wait three weeks for the second test. The prostate biopsy was the worst of all the tests and even the best case scenario meant I had to wait two weeks for the results. I was at the end of my rope emotionally. I had been worried now for weeks and I just wanted to know the answer. I wanted to know what I needed to do to make things better....but all I could do was wait.
So I made it through the test. If you can make it thorough your entire life without ever having a prostate biopsy try to do that. If you have to have one it's not the absolute worst thing in the world but I can think of 74 million things I would rather do. As it turned out my biopsy was on Brennis' birthday. I'm sure he was thrilled to spend his special day in a waiting room waiting for me. (If you can manage to schedule your prostate biopsy on a day other than your spouse's birthday do that too......the presents after that just seem insignificant and petty and nobody's really in the mood for cake).
I don't remember that the two weeks after the biopsy seemed to go particularly fast or slow. I did kind of expect someone to call me and tell me the results early but nobody ever did. I have a particularly annoying habit of trying to read things into the behavior of medical professionals (if they call it means.... If they don't call it means......). It turns out that generally you will find things out when they want to tell you. Not surprisingly, I found out my results in two weeks as they had originally told me.
Brennis went with me for the "results" appointment. He wasn't allowed to go back with me but he wanted to be with me just in case. They called me back at the time of my appointment (a rare thing as you know) and I went back to one of the exam rooms and waited. I waited. And waited. And waited. I think it must have been over twenty minutes that I sat in that room waiting for them to tell me the results of my test. I'm not exactly sure what caused the holdup but during that time I thought about everything that they could tell me about my biopsy. I planned for every possible outcome, my reaction, what I was going to tell Brennis, what I was going to tell my family, everything. I processed the moment that hadn't yet happened over and over again in my mind so much that when the doctor finally entered the room I was fairly calm. She could have told me anything and I would have known what to do. I had readied myself for anything.
The results were negative. They took twelve samples from my prostate and none of them had any signs of cancer. I was numb. In the preceding four months I had had blood work, a chest x-ray, a stress test, a colonoscopy and a prostate biopsy. Nothing was wrong. I couldn't imagine anything else that they could have tested for to find that anything could be wrong. Yes, I was still having the original symptoms that brought me to the doctor in the first place but it was clear to me now that there was nothing serious causing them. There was nothing that was so huge or so scary that it was showing up on any test. I could live with that and it was becoming clear to me now that I was indeed going to live.....and quite possibly for a long time.
That was the moment it happened. That was the moment I knew that everything that I had been through had all happened for a reason. It was meant to be and I knew it. I had to go through all of this to appreciate my life....to really appreciate being alive. I had spent so much of my life assuming that I wasn't going to live to a ripe old age and now.....now it was possible that I might just do that. I think I felt a little bit like Chance felt that day at the pound. I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and going through exactly what I was supposed to be going through for a reason. I wasn't sure what the reason was....I just knew that this moment was supposed to happen so I could find peace....just like Chance was able to find peace when he saw us for the first time. What was to happen next I didn't know. What I did know for certain was that every step I took after this day was going to be with a different purpose. I needed to start living and start honoring the life I had been given. It was no longer enough to just be in my life....I needed to be active in creating my life moment by moment.
Just like Chance leaving the pound that day with his new owners, I left the exam room that day uncertain of what future lay before me. I walked out the door into the waiting room to see Brennis' worried face and I was able to mouth to him, "I'm okay." That was my first moment of being alive again. It felt good. I planned on making a lot more moments like that happen in the future.
As it turns out we don't really need to go through some traumatic life event to figure out that we are alive and need to start acting that way. Once I was let out of my cage I ran and jumped and started loving and playing again. I was free and nobody could stop me ever again....not even myself. I didn't care if I lived a week or another hundred years. If I was going to be alive then I was going to live. There was never any reason not to and I had wasted too much time already.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Moving On
After passing my stress test I was absolutely thrilled. I finally had the answer to the question that had been hanging over my head for my adult life: I did not have coronary artery disease! After that sank in I was looking forward to going back to my doctor for my stress test follow up.
When I got there we went over my stress test results and I not only passed but passed with flying colors. My heart was as healthy as a 45 year old heart should be. They even gave me a copy of the results which I read later (not that I knew more than 10% of what I was reading but I was certain that it was all just riveting for some medical tech.)
So I was healthy. The doctor said so. That lasted for about 45 seconds.
Then the nurse came in with the results of my lab work. I had blood in my fecal occult blood test (blood in my stool) and my PSA (prostate test) level was elevated and my prostate was enlarged. I was going to have to go for more tests.....a colonsocopy and a prostate biopsy. They were testing for cancer. Suddenly my miraculous stress test seemed much less important.
I sat on the paper covered plastic table and wanted to cry. I didn't. I don't think the nurse would have gotten why I was crying. She was pleasant enough but she didn't seem particularly invested in my emotional well being.
I left the doctor's office and drove back to work. I had gone to the appointment alone and now felt very alone. I got back to work and told Brennis the news. We both realized that there was probably nothing to be worried about but because I was having symptoms and because they were testing me for not one but two cancers we were more than a little concerned.
It was December, just before Christmas. I wouldn't be able to get in for the tests until after the New Year so I just decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my holiday. There was nothing I could do about it anyway and worrying wasn't going to make anything any better so I just tried to put it out of my mind.
Brennis and I always had wonderful arrangements with our families around the holidays. Christmas was no exception. We always spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his family. Both days were so much fun at both places and I always loved being able to spend time with everyone. This year my parents were in the process of selling our family home.....the house I grew up in.....so we knew that this would be our last Christmas there. Strangely enough I wasn't feeling at all emotional about it. Now, I get emotional when someone walking down the sidewalk gets the "Don't Walk" sign so I wasn't sure why this monumental life event wasn't registering on my emotional radar.
The more I thought about it I realized that during Brennis' hospitalization I became much less attached to things. The second we stepped into the emergency room that day I stopped caring about my house, my car, my business. All of my attention was on doing anything in my power to get Brennis better. All of my earthly attachments disappeared. Now, six months later, I think I was still feeling some of that energy. I still had my family and I was still able to spend time with them while I knew that many of my friends were not. The place where we celebrated our holidays together was not as important as the fact that we were all still able to celebrate them together. The house was just a house. Sure it was a wonderful home and we all have some wonderful memories of growing up there and many milestones achieved while we were there but it was not the memory....it was merely the stage. I still had my memories and thankfully I still had my family. Soon, hopefully another family will be able to live there and create new memories of their own.
I looked around the house that Christmas Eve trying to conjure up some kind of false nostalgia and was unable. I realized that every moment I tried to feel badly about not being in the house again was taking me away from time with the very real people who I loved so much. I was trying to create an emptiness in the midst of fullness. With my own medical issues hanging over my head I knew how fleeting our time together can be. I felt fine but I knew it could be our last Christmas together as a family. Any one of us might not be here next year. Brennis' heart attack taught me that. I decided to experience what was happening rather than wonder about how I was supposed to feel about something that was going to happen. It felt a lot like living.
Christmas with my family is always magical. Sure there are stresses and sometimes we have conflicts like every family has but there is something so beautiful about the tradition and the love and the thoughtfulness that I am able to experience when we are together at Christmas. As we've all gotten older some traditions have faded away and others have taken their place. We adapt and we adjust but the undercurrent of the love that we all feel for each other brings a sense of continuity that is joyful and profound for me.
I knew that being in a new place next year would just be another one of those adjustments. Being in the old house this year just made it more special to me and it was a reminder to always, always appreciate the amazing, beautiful things that happen in your life. We don't get them as often as we would like and they are fleeting when we do get them. Hold on to them before they vanish. Pay attention to them and allow them to linger if you are able. Close your eyes and let them fill you. These are the moments we live for.
It was the last Christmas in my family home. It might be my last Christmas before I knew I had cancer. It might be my last Christmas with my family. Wondering about what was to come for me was useless. Worrying was even more futile. In two months I would know the answers to my questions and I would deal with those answers and move on. It's what we do. Allowing the past to keep us from moving forward to our future is just as foolish as allowing our futures to keep us from living in the present. I had no idea what I would find out At that moment it wasn't up to me.....so I just lived.
It turned out it was one of the best Christmas Eves of my life. I didn't have to be sad that this was our last Christmas in this house. I didn't have to be anxious that I might be ill. I just had to be there and because I was there I remember it so vividly and I am now able to re-live that Christmas Eve over and over again. That, it turns out, was my favorite gift last year. Whatever might happen next was for another year.....and I wasn't there yet.
When I got there we went over my stress test results and I not only passed but passed with flying colors. My heart was as healthy as a 45 year old heart should be. They even gave me a copy of the results which I read later (not that I knew more than 10% of what I was reading but I was certain that it was all just riveting for some medical tech.)
So I was healthy. The doctor said so. That lasted for about 45 seconds.
Then the nurse came in with the results of my lab work. I had blood in my fecal occult blood test (blood in my stool) and my PSA (prostate test) level was elevated and my prostate was enlarged. I was going to have to go for more tests.....a colonsocopy and a prostate biopsy. They were testing for cancer. Suddenly my miraculous stress test seemed much less important.
I sat on the paper covered plastic table and wanted to cry. I didn't. I don't think the nurse would have gotten why I was crying. She was pleasant enough but she didn't seem particularly invested in my emotional well being.
I left the doctor's office and drove back to work. I had gone to the appointment alone and now felt very alone. I got back to work and told Brennis the news. We both realized that there was probably nothing to be worried about but because I was having symptoms and because they were testing me for not one but two cancers we were more than a little concerned.
It was December, just before Christmas. I wouldn't be able to get in for the tests until after the New Year so I just decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my holiday. There was nothing I could do about it anyway and worrying wasn't going to make anything any better so I just tried to put it out of my mind.
Brennis and I always had wonderful arrangements with our families around the holidays. Christmas was no exception. We always spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his family. Both days were so much fun at both places and I always loved being able to spend time with everyone. This year my parents were in the process of selling our family home.....the house I grew up in.....so we knew that this would be our last Christmas there. Strangely enough I wasn't feeling at all emotional about it. Now, I get emotional when someone walking down the sidewalk gets the "Don't Walk" sign so I wasn't sure why this monumental life event wasn't registering on my emotional radar.
The more I thought about it I realized that during Brennis' hospitalization I became much less attached to things. The second we stepped into the emergency room that day I stopped caring about my house, my car, my business. All of my attention was on doing anything in my power to get Brennis better. All of my earthly attachments disappeared. Now, six months later, I think I was still feeling some of that energy. I still had my family and I was still able to spend time with them while I knew that many of my friends were not. The place where we celebrated our holidays together was not as important as the fact that we were all still able to celebrate them together. The house was just a house. Sure it was a wonderful home and we all have some wonderful memories of growing up there and many milestones achieved while we were there but it was not the memory....it was merely the stage. I still had my memories and thankfully I still had my family. Soon, hopefully another family will be able to live there and create new memories of their own.
I looked around the house that Christmas Eve trying to conjure up some kind of false nostalgia and was unable. I realized that every moment I tried to feel badly about not being in the house again was taking me away from time with the very real people who I loved so much. I was trying to create an emptiness in the midst of fullness. With my own medical issues hanging over my head I knew how fleeting our time together can be. I felt fine but I knew it could be our last Christmas together as a family. Any one of us might not be here next year. Brennis' heart attack taught me that. I decided to experience what was happening rather than wonder about how I was supposed to feel about something that was going to happen. It felt a lot like living.
Christmas with my family is always magical. Sure there are stresses and sometimes we have conflicts like every family has but there is something so beautiful about the tradition and the love and the thoughtfulness that I am able to experience when we are together at Christmas. As we've all gotten older some traditions have faded away and others have taken their place. We adapt and we adjust but the undercurrent of the love that we all feel for each other brings a sense of continuity that is joyful and profound for me.
I knew that being in a new place next year would just be another one of those adjustments. Being in the old house this year just made it more special to me and it was a reminder to always, always appreciate the amazing, beautiful things that happen in your life. We don't get them as often as we would like and they are fleeting when we do get them. Hold on to them before they vanish. Pay attention to them and allow them to linger if you are able. Close your eyes and let them fill you. These are the moments we live for.
It was the last Christmas in my family home. It might be my last Christmas before I knew I had cancer. It might be my last Christmas with my family. Wondering about what was to come for me was useless. Worrying was even more futile. In two months I would know the answers to my questions and I would deal with those answers and move on. It's what we do. Allowing the past to keep us from moving forward to our future is just as foolish as allowing our futures to keep us from living in the present. I had no idea what I would find out At that moment it wasn't up to me.....so I just lived.
It turned out it was one of the best Christmas Eves of my life. I didn't have to be sad that this was our last Christmas in this house. I didn't have to be anxious that I might be ill. I just had to be there and because I was there I remember it so vividly and I am now able to re-live that Christmas Eve over and over again. That, it turns out, was my favorite gift last year. Whatever might happen next was for another year.....and I wasn't there yet.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Right Size
I'll be honest. I don't know exactly when I became this person. I used to eat Chef Boyardee Spaghetti right out of the can and now I am buying organic whole wheat flour and agave nectar. The transition, in fact, happened so gradually that I hardly even noticed it. It was, however, a huge transition....a transition I am glad I made but one that evolved over time based on many factors.
I have been on some kind of a "diet" almost all of my life (except for the frequent, random binges of things like Chef Boyardee Spaghetti right out of the can). While I haven't always been overweight I have always struggled with my weight and my eating habits. Being a compulsive over eater I am constantly battling the part of me that wants to binge on food until I am literally sick. Compulsive over eating is difficult to understand. While there is the euphoria and satisfaction initially during binge eating there is always..always a feeling of sickness afterward both mental and physical. There is, of course, the stomach ache and a whole host of other unpleasant physical symptoms (think post Thanksgiving dinner times ten) but there is also always the self hatred and disappointment that accompanies those physical pains. "You're a failure". "Well, you did it again!" "You'll never be thin." It certainly doesn't follow the Pavlovian pattern of doing things because they cause us pleasure but it happened regularly nonetheless.
I don't need to get into why this is an issue for me. To be honest I don't really care. It might be psychological or it might be physical....whatever the causation it is real and I have it. That's really all I need to know. I have it and I don't want it. So how do I go about stopping it?
For me it was about controlling what I eat and when I eat. It was about limiting or eliminating foods that I found triggered my binge eating (sugar and salt for me) and eating smaller, more frequent meals so I never felt that I was depriving myself. It was also about being more active. When you're sitting on the couch watching TV it's easy to get up and grab a bag of chips to snack on. It's not so easy to do that when you're out taking a walk or working on your favorite hobby. Part of my problem is that one of my favorite things to do is cook and bake. Running my own business I rarely get to experience the joy of a task that has a beginning and end. Everything about running a business is about the process. In cooking and baking there is a beginning and an end....and the end is also rewarding which is another reason why I love it.
The problematic side-effect of having cooking and baking as your hobby is all of the tempting food that is there when you are done. My old philosophy on cooking was: "If it doesn't taste good enough add butter or top it with sour cream". Not surprisingly, that worked. It also, probably played a part in causing Brennis' choked arteries. I didn't really feel that I would ever again be comfortable baking and cooking for our household. I felt like I had been negligent with our health because I was trying to please everyone by making delicious but unhealthy food. Sometimes I joked that my cooking almost killed Brennis. Sometimes I didn't think it was a joke. Most of the time I didn't think it was funny.
Turning my hobby into something positive was part of the battle. Making great tasting healthy food isn't difficult really. It just required me to un-learn many of the things I thought I knew about food. Of course adding butter (or salt or sugar) and topping it with sour cream (or whipped cream or cheese) makes food taste better....these are great tasting things and believe it or not I still eat them occasionally. Making things taste great without these things (and a whole host of other ingredients) has been a challenge I have enjoyed taking on and has made my "hobby" of cooking much more fun. Now it is about the challenge and about the physical activity of cooking and baking...not just about slapping icing on something. I love to cook now because it's exciting and keeps me busy and away from the cheap, unhealthy snacks. It exercises my mind and my body.
It takes energy to cook delicious, healthy foods and that's a good thing. I understand that we are all living busy over scheduled lives and that a lot of us have kids or other people that we take care of and it's just too difficult sometimes to think about chopping vegetables or dragging out the food processor. It happens....sometimes life gets away from us. Take a look at your life. When do you overeat? What are your triggers? Do you have a block of time during the week when you can cook ahead and have healthy food already prepared? Are the people around you supportive of you? You have to start from a place of strength and having an understanding of your issues to give you that strength.
Understanding where you are at this moment....what has caused you to be overweight (or to struggle with your weight) in the first place....is the best starting point. Really analyzing your relationship with food and your relationship with exercise is the first step. You don't have to go through years of analysis to figure it out. You already know the answer. Make the sacrifices you are willing to make. Change the things about your life that don't give you pleasure. Be kind to yourself and be honest with yourself. Until you are able to do these things, honestly, you will not be able to lose weight and keep it off.
There is no "one size fits all" approach to losing weight. Every person is going to do it differently but everyone needs to start by trying to determine what is right for them and it's likely that the process of figuring that out is going to evolve over time (I am still tweaking my diet every time I find something that isn't working for me). This is not a task, it's a journey...a journey that likely will last the rest of your life. It doesn't end when you lose the weight but it does get better as you begin to really understand and appreciate your relationship with food. No matter how you got to where you are now the road forward is not and should not be one that is unfamiliar. You don't have to make big changes overnight. Let go of the unhealthy things slowly and that will allow you to bring more healthy things into your life. Learn from your past mistakes but don't let them derail your progress. You can choose to go back at any time but it won't get you to your destination. Just because you pause on your path doesn't mean the road is closed.
Losing weight is hard for a lot of people. It's never impossible. Losing weight and keeping it off is even harder...but it is worth it.
I'm not sure exactly when I became this person but I'm glad I did. I wouldn't change me for all of the canned spaghetti in the world.
I have been on some kind of a "diet" almost all of my life (except for the frequent, random binges of things like Chef Boyardee Spaghetti right out of the can). While I haven't always been overweight I have always struggled with my weight and my eating habits. Being a compulsive over eater I am constantly battling the part of me that wants to binge on food until I am literally sick. Compulsive over eating is difficult to understand. While there is the euphoria and satisfaction initially during binge eating there is always..always a feeling of sickness afterward both mental and physical. There is, of course, the stomach ache and a whole host of other unpleasant physical symptoms (think post Thanksgiving dinner times ten) but there is also always the self hatred and disappointment that accompanies those physical pains. "You're a failure". "Well, you did it again!" "You'll never be thin." It certainly doesn't follow the Pavlovian pattern of doing things because they cause us pleasure but it happened regularly nonetheless.
I don't need to get into why this is an issue for me. To be honest I don't really care. It might be psychological or it might be physical....whatever the causation it is real and I have it. That's really all I need to know. I have it and I don't want it. So how do I go about stopping it?
For me it was about controlling what I eat and when I eat. It was about limiting or eliminating foods that I found triggered my binge eating (sugar and salt for me) and eating smaller, more frequent meals so I never felt that I was depriving myself. It was also about being more active. When you're sitting on the couch watching TV it's easy to get up and grab a bag of chips to snack on. It's not so easy to do that when you're out taking a walk or working on your favorite hobby. Part of my problem is that one of my favorite things to do is cook and bake. Running my own business I rarely get to experience the joy of a task that has a beginning and end. Everything about running a business is about the process. In cooking and baking there is a beginning and an end....and the end is also rewarding which is another reason why I love it.
The problematic side-effect of having cooking and baking as your hobby is all of the tempting food that is there when you are done. My old philosophy on cooking was: "If it doesn't taste good enough add butter or top it with sour cream". Not surprisingly, that worked. It also, probably played a part in causing Brennis' choked arteries. I didn't really feel that I would ever again be comfortable baking and cooking for our household. I felt like I had been negligent with our health because I was trying to please everyone by making delicious but unhealthy food. Sometimes I joked that my cooking almost killed Brennis. Sometimes I didn't think it was a joke. Most of the time I didn't think it was funny.
Turning my hobby into something positive was part of the battle. Making great tasting healthy food isn't difficult really. It just required me to un-learn many of the things I thought I knew about food. Of course adding butter (or salt or sugar) and topping it with sour cream (or whipped cream or cheese) makes food taste better....these are great tasting things and believe it or not I still eat them occasionally. Making things taste great without these things (and a whole host of other ingredients) has been a challenge I have enjoyed taking on and has made my "hobby" of cooking much more fun. Now it is about the challenge and about the physical activity of cooking and baking...not just about slapping icing on something. I love to cook now because it's exciting and keeps me busy and away from the cheap, unhealthy snacks. It exercises my mind and my body.
It takes energy to cook delicious, healthy foods and that's a good thing. I understand that we are all living busy over scheduled lives and that a lot of us have kids or other people that we take care of and it's just too difficult sometimes to think about chopping vegetables or dragging out the food processor. It happens....sometimes life gets away from us. Take a look at your life. When do you overeat? What are your triggers? Do you have a block of time during the week when you can cook ahead and have healthy food already prepared? Are the people around you supportive of you? You have to start from a place of strength and having an understanding of your issues to give you that strength.
Understanding where you are at this moment....what has caused you to be overweight (or to struggle with your weight) in the first place....is the best starting point. Really analyzing your relationship with food and your relationship with exercise is the first step. You don't have to go through years of analysis to figure it out. You already know the answer. Make the sacrifices you are willing to make. Change the things about your life that don't give you pleasure. Be kind to yourself and be honest with yourself. Until you are able to do these things, honestly, you will not be able to lose weight and keep it off.
There is no "one size fits all" approach to losing weight. Every person is going to do it differently but everyone needs to start by trying to determine what is right for them and it's likely that the process of figuring that out is going to evolve over time (I am still tweaking my diet every time I find something that isn't working for me). This is not a task, it's a journey...a journey that likely will last the rest of your life. It doesn't end when you lose the weight but it does get better as you begin to really understand and appreciate your relationship with food. No matter how you got to where you are now the road forward is not and should not be one that is unfamiliar. You don't have to make big changes overnight. Let go of the unhealthy things slowly and that will allow you to bring more healthy things into your life. Learn from your past mistakes but don't let them derail your progress. You can choose to go back at any time but it won't get you to your destination. Just because you pause on your path doesn't mean the road is closed.
Losing weight is hard for a lot of people. It's never impossible. Losing weight and keeping it off is even harder...but it is worth it.
I'm not sure exactly when I became this person but I'm glad I did. I wouldn't change me for all of the canned spaghetti in the world.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The Other Shoe
Summer was over. We had begun to settle into a nice calm autumn. It was a quiet time at work as we began to think about gearing up for the holiday season and Brennis was getting outstanding reports from all of his doctors and surgeons. We were happy. I, however, had a secret that was keeping me up at night.
About two years before Brennis' heart attack I had started having chest pains. They weren't the crushing chest pains that people describe when they are having a heart attack but they were burning, tightening sensations in my chest that almost always radiated down my left arm and up into my jaw. Before Brennis' incident I had always thought that heart attacks are either very dramatic or fatal. I didn't know they could be subtle like Brennis'. He never even had chest pain, after all. His heart attack manifested itself as a pain in his back. I had these pains fairly regularly at least once every other week. Every time it happened I waited for them to get worse but they never reached a point where I thought I should go to the hospital.
I know now that I should have gone to the hospital after the very first pain. Heart attacks can take many forms and have any number of specific or non-specific symptoms. I know that now. I didn't know that then and I didn't have insurance so I waited it out. I didn't die so I thought I was okay. That's not a particularly good plan but thankfully it worked for me for a while.
The pains continued throughout Brennis' time in the hospital and through his recovery. He was aware of them but we both quietly tried to ignore them as much as we could because we were afraid of what might happen if we went to the hospital. Neither one of us was prepared to go through this all over again. This is what denial feels like.
In October I began to have other symptoms. I was getting up to go the the bathroom five to six times a night and was going to the bathroom up to twenty times a day. I was in my mid forties and I knew that this is the time men start having problems with their health and between the chest pains and the frequent trips to the bathroom I knew that it was my turn to grow up and go to the doctor.
I made an appointment and three weeks later I went to the doctor. I was assuming that it would be simple...an enlarged prostate, bladder infection, heartburn....something I could take care of....something temporary and treatable. Within about ten minutes I knew I was wrong.
The doctor was concerned about my chest pains and my blood pressure was high. Because of my symptoms and my family history the doctor prescribed a stress test for me. I was numb. I was afraid. I would be going back to the hospital that Brennis just left. I was certain that they were going to find something wrong. I wasn't sure how I had managed to avoid any serious health problems up until that point but I knew now that it was my day of reckoning.
The doctor also made an appointment for me at a urologist since my prostate was slightly enlarged and that might have been causing my frequent trips to the bathroom. I was falling apart, obviously.
The first test was the stress test. It was scheduled for early the following week. I think I must have spent those few days in a fog. There were many possibilities. I could have a successful test and go home, they might send me home and find something wrong as they read the test results in the following days or I might have some indication during the test that something might be wrong. I was so afraid and so certain that there was going to be something wrong....not because I like to worry (although I do) but because of my symptoms, my family history and my previously less than stellar diet, exercise and smoking habits.
Quietly I got my life in order. I hated that Brennis was going to have to be the one to go with me for this test after everything he had gone through a few months before. I wish it didn't have to happen but I was thankful that I was going to find out what was wrong with me before something more serious happened. In the days before the test I made sure I was caught up on all of the bills, the laundry and even made extra dinners for Brennis in case I wasn't able to be there for some reason. I even made a list of all of our accounts and passwords and put it in my wallet in case the worst happened so Brennis could take care of things after I was gone.
This was all very dramatic, I know....but I had just been through Brennis' open heart surgery so I was fairly well primed for drama. I also, honestly, wanted to be prepared. The surprise of Brennis' heart attack has never left me. I am constantly on guard for what might happen next. I don't let it rule my life but I am always ready in case I need to be.
The day of the test came and I passed the test successfully. In the days following I waited for a call from the hospital telling me that something was wrong. They never called. I finally called my doctor's office for the results and they told me everything was normal. I was shocked. I can't even say I was necessarily relieved since I had never even entertained the possibility that nothing would be wrong. After that news sank in I realized that I was being given another chance. I had abused my body in many ways throughout the years and yet whatever I had done had not yet damaged my body enough to require repairs.
I think in many ways I had given up on myself. I had always had horrible eating habits and I began smoking when I was 18. I think I assumed that I was heading down the same road as my grandfather and father and was just destined to have heart disease at an early age. I never thought I would live to a ripe old age. That was not even a consideration of mine. I spent most of my forties wondering when I would have a heart attack.....not if I was going to have a heart attack.
Now I know that that is no way to live your life. It was foolish and that kind of thinking caused me to waste a lot of time and to make a lot of bad decisions about my health and those decisions affected everything about my life. When I realized that I was alright everything about my life and the way I thought about my life changed. This was probably, in the long run, an even more important event for me than the shock of Brennis' heart attack. Everything I had assumed about my life was wrong. Now to go about the business of changing it all...making amends and moving forward.
Your life is exactly what you think it is....but it doesn't have to be. All it takes is changing your perspective. Thinking that my life was going to be short made me live my life a certain way. Now that I know that it will likely be longer than I thought I live in a different way. Nothing really changed about me but my perception of my life.
The same is true of every aspect of your life. The way you think about something is the way it is for you. The way you think about your spouse is they way they are. The way you think about your job is the way it is. If you can simply change the way you think about these things they can become different things for you. You are never trapped by anything or anyone except yourself. There is nothing stopping you right now from getting up out of your seat, walking out the door and away from the life you are currently living. Is there? Why do you stay?
There are reasons you are in the life you are living. Find the power within yourself to make it the life you imagine it can be. If you want it to be tomorrow can be different....and nothing has to change but you.
About two years before Brennis' heart attack I had started having chest pains. They weren't the crushing chest pains that people describe when they are having a heart attack but they were burning, tightening sensations in my chest that almost always radiated down my left arm and up into my jaw. Before Brennis' incident I had always thought that heart attacks are either very dramatic or fatal. I didn't know they could be subtle like Brennis'. He never even had chest pain, after all. His heart attack manifested itself as a pain in his back. I had these pains fairly regularly at least once every other week. Every time it happened I waited for them to get worse but they never reached a point where I thought I should go to the hospital.
I know now that I should have gone to the hospital after the very first pain. Heart attacks can take many forms and have any number of specific or non-specific symptoms. I know that now. I didn't know that then and I didn't have insurance so I waited it out. I didn't die so I thought I was okay. That's not a particularly good plan but thankfully it worked for me for a while.
The pains continued throughout Brennis' time in the hospital and through his recovery. He was aware of them but we both quietly tried to ignore them as much as we could because we were afraid of what might happen if we went to the hospital. Neither one of us was prepared to go through this all over again. This is what denial feels like.
In October I began to have other symptoms. I was getting up to go the the bathroom five to six times a night and was going to the bathroom up to twenty times a day. I was in my mid forties and I knew that this is the time men start having problems with their health and between the chest pains and the frequent trips to the bathroom I knew that it was my turn to grow up and go to the doctor.
I made an appointment and three weeks later I went to the doctor. I was assuming that it would be simple...an enlarged prostate, bladder infection, heartburn....something I could take care of....something temporary and treatable. Within about ten minutes I knew I was wrong.
The doctor was concerned about my chest pains and my blood pressure was high. Because of my symptoms and my family history the doctor prescribed a stress test for me. I was numb. I was afraid. I would be going back to the hospital that Brennis just left. I was certain that they were going to find something wrong. I wasn't sure how I had managed to avoid any serious health problems up until that point but I knew now that it was my day of reckoning.
The doctor also made an appointment for me at a urologist since my prostate was slightly enlarged and that might have been causing my frequent trips to the bathroom. I was falling apart, obviously.
The first test was the stress test. It was scheduled for early the following week. I think I must have spent those few days in a fog. There were many possibilities. I could have a successful test and go home, they might send me home and find something wrong as they read the test results in the following days or I might have some indication during the test that something might be wrong. I was so afraid and so certain that there was going to be something wrong....not because I like to worry (although I do) but because of my symptoms, my family history and my previously less than stellar diet, exercise and smoking habits.
Quietly I got my life in order. I hated that Brennis was going to have to be the one to go with me for this test after everything he had gone through a few months before. I wish it didn't have to happen but I was thankful that I was going to find out what was wrong with me before something more serious happened. In the days before the test I made sure I was caught up on all of the bills, the laundry and even made extra dinners for Brennis in case I wasn't able to be there for some reason. I even made a list of all of our accounts and passwords and put it in my wallet in case the worst happened so Brennis could take care of things after I was gone.
This was all very dramatic, I know....but I had just been through Brennis' open heart surgery so I was fairly well primed for drama. I also, honestly, wanted to be prepared. The surprise of Brennis' heart attack has never left me. I am constantly on guard for what might happen next. I don't let it rule my life but I am always ready in case I need to be.
The day of the test came and I passed the test successfully. In the days following I waited for a call from the hospital telling me that something was wrong. They never called. I finally called my doctor's office for the results and they told me everything was normal. I was shocked. I can't even say I was necessarily relieved since I had never even entertained the possibility that nothing would be wrong. After that news sank in I realized that I was being given another chance. I had abused my body in many ways throughout the years and yet whatever I had done had not yet damaged my body enough to require repairs.
I think in many ways I had given up on myself. I had always had horrible eating habits and I began smoking when I was 18. I think I assumed that I was heading down the same road as my grandfather and father and was just destined to have heart disease at an early age. I never thought I would live to a ripe old age. That was not even a consideration of mine. I spent most of my forties wondering when I would have a heart attack.....not if I was going to have a heart attack.
Now I know that that is no way to live your life. It was foolish and that kind of thinking caused me to waste a lot of time and to make a lot of bad decisions about my health and those decisions affected everything about my life. When I realized that I was alright everything about my life and the way I thought about my life changed. This was probably, in the long run, an even more important event for me than the shock of Brennis' heart attack. Everything I had assumed about my life was wrong. Now to go about the business of changing it all...making amends and moving forward.
Your life is exactly what you think it is....but it doesn't have to be. All it takes is changing your perspective. Thinking that my life was going to be short made me live my life a certain way. Now that I know that it will likely be longer than I thought I live in a different way. Nothing really changed about me but my perception of my life.
The same is true of every aspect of your life. The way you think about something is the way it is for you. The way you think about your spouse is they way they are. The way you think about your job is the way it is. If you can simply change the way you think about these things they can become different things for you. You are never trapped by anything or anyone except yourself. There is nothing stopping you right now from getting up out of your seat, walking out the door and away from the life you are currently living. Is there? Why do you stay?
There are reasons you are in the life you are living. Find the power within yourself to make it the life you imagine it can be. If you want it to be tomorrow can be different....and nothing has to change but you.
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