Erased

My last blog post was particularly difficult to write but it was also probably one of my favorite posts. Remembering how sad and anxious I felt and how intense everything was the day of Brennis’ surgery brought me to a very honest and emotional place and I thought it was reflected in my writing which is what I strive for. I held on to the post for a while re-reading it several times before I posted it and when I finally did I was happy that it was finished. Then it vanished. The whole blog vanished. The entire site that hosts my blog disappeared for twelve hours. I was surprised by my reaction but I now am glad that it happened.

I have always considered myself a writer. It may not always be what I DO but it is always who I AM. Just because I haven’t had the time to write since Brennis and I opened the gallery eleven years ago doesn’t mean that that has changed. It is still who I am. When I am not writing I am thinking about writing or imagining what I could be writing about almost every moment of the day. It is in my soul and it always will be. It is my gift and I understand it, honor it and am thankful for it.

When my blog disappeared last night I was upset. I had just posted the last blog and only a few people had a chance to read it before it was gone. This morning when I woke up and it was still missing I was angry. I know that this is not a website that is crucial to establishing world peace or saving lives but I know that some of my friends are reading and this was very inconvenient for them and for me.

Then when I got to work and it was still not there it occured to me: maybe it was gone forever. I don’t pretend to know much about the internet, web hosting, cyberspace and the rest. I just type words onto my computer screen and they magically appear on this blog. The part of the process that happens after I hit “publish” is not the least bit interesting to me. I just do my part. So it was in the realms of possibility in my mind that the site just ceased to exist and the twelve posts that I had written over the course of the last month and a half were gone forever. That thought, honestly, was more than I could bear.

I felt as though my best friend had died. I was overcome with despair and began sobbing. I understood that my reaction seemed and probably was overly dramatic but it was my honest gut reaction and I couldn’t help it. I tried over and over to find a cached version of the blog so I could copy and paste the posts but wasn’t successful. I emailed the support staff and asked for help. I cried and I cried and I couldn’t stop. I really thought I was losing my mind.

I couldn’t understand why this was so important to me. At first I thought it was because I enjoyed the comments that people were leaving and I was just being a selfish egomaniac who craved adulation. That honestly wasn’t it at all. I realized fairly soon that what was making me so sad was that I felt like I had been erased. Because writing is what I am and my writing disappeared I felt like I had disappeared. I understood that there is more to me than this blog but the blog has become for me what I love doing. It was become my favorite thing to do.

Several hours later the blog re-appeared. I quickly went about the business of moving the blog posts to another hosting site and made a better blog that I love even more than the original. That, however, is not the best thing to come out of this episode. What I am most grateful for is that what happened made me realize just how much I love writing and how happy I was to be writing again. Now I know I can’t give it up. It’s what I do and it’s who I am. That fact can never be erased.