It happens slowly. One day you’re twenty years old and you have the whole universe before you with arms open wide and suddenly you are at a place in your life where everything stops. Everything. Just. Stops.
It doesn’t really matter how it happens and you won’t ever know when it will
happen but I guarantee you it will. It’s not as subtle as a mid-life crisis and
it takes many forms. It’s the day you consciously have to decide for yourself
and for the people you love if you have the strength to go on and (if you do)
how you are going to go about doing it.
For me it happened one Summer Saturday morning at work when my partner of 20
years had a heart attack. I will undoubtedly tell the whole story in more detail
sometime but for my purpose here it’s about that moment. For me it was in the
emergency room when the doctor came in to give us the results of Brennis’ EKG.
The results were not yet final but the doctor began to discuss the different
possibilities and the different options for treatment. As soon as he uttered the
words “Heart Attack” my world stopped. I could consciously feel every part of my
brain slowly tuning out of all unnecessary peripheral stimulation as I focued
entirely on the possibility that Brennis had had a heart attack and what that
In an instant I processed every possibility, rational and irrational, for the
particular set of circumstances in which we found ourselves. I took in the
information that the doctor was giving me without listening to him. I was
present in my own life like I had never been before (or since). For the first
time in my life I was able to see the truth of what was important and to know
within my soul that what I was living through was something that I was meant to
live through and that I was precisely where I was supposed to be at that moment
in time. I could feel my very soul present in my life as though it were guiding
me through this moment. It calmed me and allowed me to sit quietly and not run
out of the room screaming and crying.
So the question is now almost a year later what do I do with that moment and
all of the moments since then and all of the lessons I have learned and still
learn. Why did I experience this thing the way I did and what am I supposed to
do with it. I hope we will find out together. I felt it was too important not to