Saturday, June 9, 2012


My last blog post was particularly difficult to write but it was also probably one of my favorite posts. Remembering how sad and anxious I felt and how intense everything was the day of Brennis’ surgery brought me to a very honest and emotional place and I thought it was reflected in my writing which is what I strive for. I held on to the post for a while re-reading it several times before I posted it and when I finally did I was happy that it was finished. Then it vanished. The whole blog vanished. The entire site that hosts my blog disappeared for twelve hours. I was surprised by my reaction but I now am glad that it happened.

I have always considered myself a writer. It may not always be what I DO but it is always who I AM. Just because I haven’t had the time to write since Brennis and I opened the gallery eleven years ago doesn’t mean that that has changed. It is still who I am. When I am not writing I am thinking about writing or imagining what I could be writing about almost every moment of the day. It is in my soul and it always will be. It is my gift and I understand it, honor it and am thankful for it.

When my blog disappeared last night I was upset. I had just posted the last blog and only a few people had a chance to read it before it was gone. This morning when I woke up and it was still missing I was angry. I know that this is not a website that is crucial to establishing world peace or saving lives but I know that some of my friends are reading and this was very inconvenient for them and for me.

Then when I got to work and it was still not there it occured to me: maybe it was gone forever. I don’t pretend to know much about the internet, web hosting, cyberspace and the rest. I just type words onto my computer screen and they magically appear on this blog. The part of the process that happens after I hit “publish” is not the least bit interesting to me. I just do my part. So it was in the realms of possibility in my mind that the site just ceased to exist and the twelve posts that I had written over the course of the last month and a half were gone forever. That thought, honestly, was more than I could bear.

I felt as though my best friend had died. I was overcome with despair and began sobbing. I understood that my reaction seemed and probably was overly dramatic but it was my honest gut reaction and I couldn’t help it. I tried over and over to find a cached version of the blog so I could copy and paste the posts but wasn’t successful. I emailed the support staff and asked for help. I cried and I cried and I couldn’t stop. I really thought I was losing my mind.

I couldn’t understand why this was so important to me. At first I thought it was because I enjoyed the comments that people were leaving and I was just being a selfish egomaniac who craved adulation. That honestly wasn’t it at all. I realized fairly soon that what was making me so sad was that I felt like I had been erased. Because writing is what I am and my writing disappeared I felt like I had disappeared. I understood that there is more to me than this blog but the blog has become for me what I love doing. It was become my favorite thing to do.

Several hours later the blog re-appeared. I quickly went about the business of moving the blog posts to another hosting site and made a better blog that I love even more than the original. That, however, is not the best thing to come out of this episode. What I am most grateful for is that what happened made me realize just how much I love writing and how happy I was to be writing again. Now I know I can’t give it up. It’s what I do and it’s who I am. That fact can never be erased.


  1. My first blog site disappeared a couple years ago and never returned. Now I write my blog posts in email first... then copy and paste to the blog so if site devours my missives, I can still find them again. So glad yours returned and so glad to see you enjoying this beautiful part of who you are.

    1. Thank you, Su. I might take your suggestion. You know I lose everything and have the most horrible luck with computers. I guess I just have to be more careful than others...else I just get a typewriter and mail my blogs to everyone....well....not today.
      Love you too!

  2. Todd, you have a wonderful gift and I'm so glad you are using it. I find your words to be "balm for the soul" not just yours but for those of us who are intently following them. Going through a particularly emotional time right now and you have no idea how much your sharing is helping. Thank you! And I'm so glad that all your words came back for they are more than just words on a page.


    1. I'm sorry you're going througha tough time right now but I'm glad that I am able to help a bit even though I'm not right there with you. Believe me, I feel all you in the room with me when I write so I am certainly writing for you all (and strangers too, of course). Just don't forget that the emotions you are experiencing are meant to be felt. Let them just happen...they are there for a reason.

      Love to you too!

  3. I am so glad you are writing, Todd, and I am so glad that your blog returned. When writing is who you are, to lose it is like losing a part of you. I feel the same way about my paintings. Although the majority of them go to places where I will never see them again, their owners often keep in touch and remind me of how special they are to them.

    Over the past year, I learned that all of the work that I did for Pathway perished in their flood, and a portrait that I painted a couple of years ago was destroyed in a fire. I felt a loss, just knowing that they no longer were around to bring inspiration to people. Luckily, the portrait was covered by insurance, and I will have the opportunity to recreate it.

    I like your new "Big Boy's Blog". :) I can follow it in my Google Reader now. Maybe someday you will graduate to WordPress!

    Love ya Toddles!


  4. Love you too, BZ!

    Yes, I imagine it's very much the same thing....and I'm so sorry to hear that so much of your work was lost in the flood at Pathway. I think that the things that creative people create are very much like our "children" and we do become very attached to them. I have a box of old poems someplace in the house. I never look at them anymore but it comforts me to know that they are "there" somewhere.

  5. You make happy...this is wonderful!